One thing I’ve learned is that for many of us, the learning process we have as children is exactly the same as it is when we are adults – except we don’t expect it to be, and therefore become frustrated by it.
When I left my marriage I had no voice. Oh, I talked, and sang and lived, but I could not speak my heart or anything that displayed vulnerability or what was really going on.
We can’t if we don’t feel safe. And I didn’t feel safe.
When I started to build relationships and friendships with others, I’d start to let my guard down, and then WHAM- If my voice turned up it was either over wrought with emotion, or it was angry. I had no way to control the flow – for the words had been stored up inside me for so long, they poured out without me having skills to let them out.
For me as a woman, that’s expected. We get away with a lot as women, when we are learning to find our voice. We might burn through a few friendships but often we have friends who understand, and have grace.
For men, I think the path is much harder. If the first voice that comes out is anger, it can be branded as “not ok” – and then the man fights to suppress the voice because he is scared he will not be able to control it. Pushing it down breaks down our relationships further, or leads us to depression and eventually not being able to feel anything but a growing numbness.
Children’s first voice is often expressed as anger and frustration. “I CAN DO IT MYSELF” “MINE” “NO!”
It is no different for us when we are learning to speak again.
I am tremendously thankful for faithful friends who have stood and been patient when I’ve spoken as a two year old, and therefore I have so much grace for those who are now in that place I once was.
When we learn it is safe for us to express our feelings of anger and frustration, we then move onto the less primal emotions of love, and affection and gentle whisperings.
Which is fabulous.